What am I doing? Oh, you people. Stop it! Stop it! Don't stop it. No, I'm kidding. Happy Wednesday. So we're just five days into Kevin McCarthy's tenure as speaker of the House, and he's already become my favorite Kevin. Well, behind Kevin Spacey. And as you know, it's always preferable to be behind kevin Spacey.
Of course, it took 15 ballots to confirm McCarthy, which coincidentally is the same amount it took Biden to become President. Yeah, sue me. But while the House was voting and re-voting, McCarthy was proving that revenge, much like the Fruity Pebbles Bill Hemmer feeds me in the morning, is a dish best served cold. What's different this time? Republicans learned something from Trump. They're keeping their promises and fighting like fiends.
On Tuesday, they took steps to boost oversight of both the Chinese government and the Biden administration. Granted, it's hard to tell the two apart. First, they approved a new subcommittee designed to probe the weaponization of the federal government. You know, I hate that word "weaponization." It's overused. Just say exactly what you're investigating: abuses against the American people. Does the government collect info on or otherwise investigating citizens of the U.S.? And how deep was that collusion between the FBI and private sectors to ban speech that the White House disagreed with?
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House Republicans also called of a plan to address threats from China like fentanyl, attacks on the power grid and under-spiced bat soup. The GOP is also clawing back billions in IRS funding that would have financed 87,000 new employees to harass freelancers, small businesses and the orphans who manage my offshore bank accounts. Rest in peace, orphans. If Biden wants to get blood from a stone, he should do a face plant while bike riding again. But all that probably wasn't even the best thing McCarthy did this week. Yes, it's time to.
[VIDEO]
NARRATOR: Isn't it bliss? We're going away. Those politicians are around and now they can't stay. Send out the clowns. These people are ******* clowns.
Hmm. You get to live another day, Gene. Yep. This week he booted hacks Ilhan Omar, Adam Schiff and Eric Swalwell from their House committees. The bright spot for Omar: when she breaks the bad news to her husband and her brother, she'll only have to make one phone call. Never gets old. As for Swalwell, McCarthy promised to come after him. And unlike the flatulent flunky, it wasn't just hot air. He says, quote, "Swalwell can't get a security clearance in the private sector. I'm not going to give him a government security clearance." But in Swalwell's defense, no one would hire him in the private sector. Pro tip Eric, if a beautiful woman is interested in you, she's either a spy, a hooker or has lost her sense of smell.
Finally, there's this hapless harlequin, Adam Schiff, who's manufactured more lies than the cosmetic industry. McCarthy vows, "We will not allow him to be on the Intelligence Committee either." I would also add anything else that has the word "intelligence" in the title. We asked Adam Schiff to comment.
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[SKIT]
NARRATOR: Hmm. I may no longer be chairman, but I can still feel like one with my new strap-on chairman's high-back chair. Whether walking the dog, getting the mail - hmm, bills - or just having fun.
Nicely done. So McCarthy said he'd retaliate for the removal of Republicans from their assignments in the last Congress, and he did. Up next, investigating the Biden family for their alleged crimes, which include authentic collusion and countless shady foreign dealings. The only one who doesn't think the big guy is Biden is Joe Biden because he stopped thinking in 1992.
So does this kind of tit-for-tat slow down Congress? The answer is I ******* hope so. Keep them busy. Keep them busy fighting each other. It keeps them out of our lives. While they're slapping the crap out of each other, we get to continue to do fun things like cooking on gas stoves and drinking shark fin shakes through a plastic straw.
But also every time Congress agrees on something, we get more war and more debt. And if the weasels know they're always just a midterm away from getting busted, maybe they'll do better. And that's what the winning will get you. You get to stick it to the other side, investigate, prosecute. The Dems did it last time, but now it's their turn in the barrel. And like I always say, payback is a Joy Behar.
