So last night, in a primetime address from the Oval Office, Joe Biden said it was time to step aside, which is the most exercise he's had in a while. In the roughly ten minute address, Biden attempted to list his accomplishments. That left him with ten minutes. 

During the address, Biden said he's passing the torch to the next generation, but is that really necessary? It's not like young Democrats haven't already been doing a phenomenal job burning everything to the ground. Of course, Joe has a long history with fire. Whenever he's in the room, people are always lighting matches. But still, he's passing the torch. Guess he doesn't want to be cremated, or maybe he does. Skeptics claim the address wasn't live because the time on his watch didn't seem to match the time of the speech. But at this point, who really knows?

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The White House aides are just excited that Joe Biden outlived his watch battery. They had a camera during the speech on several of Joe's family members, including his kids, Hunter and Ashley, and wife Jill. Keeping them off camera was the only way to ensure Hunter kept his clothes on. 

Meanwhile, Biden's seventh grandchild, Navy, was there, too, about 750 miles off camera. If you were looking for any answers from Joe Biden's address last night, fat chance, he never answers questions. He only generates more of them. Here's one. Why did his team give him the same spray tan as Trump? He looks like he's wearing a ‘Biden’ mask. He looks like a jack o'lantern in the hot sun with a burnt out candle. Was the local embalmer going on vacation and told Jill, hey, I better put a coat on him in case something happens while I'm in Aruba. 

As for the point of the speech, good luck finding one. He's doing so great, that he asked to withdraw just to end on a high note. Hey, my life's so great, I think I'll just kill myself. Joe talked about George Washington, Abe Lincoln, and Franklin Delano Roosevelt, but he seems more like William Henry Harrison, or Zachary Taylor, or Warren Hardy. He talked about honesty, decency, respect and other things he couldn't pronounce and rarely practiced. Hell, he could have talked about skydiving, pole-vaulting, and power lifting, and it would have been more believable. As usual, he promised to tell us the truth. He would've crossed his fingers, but he can't. Here's a whopper.

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PRESIDENT BIDEN: We're also securing our border. Border crossings are lower today than when the previous administration left office.

No. At this point, viewers wish they got shot in the ear. What he didn't do is answer the one question on everyone's mind, well, besides, are you wearing pants behind that desk? Why did you drop out of the race on Twitter but still stay on as president? He didn't say. I mean, that's like making a speech about the sexiest TV host without mentioning me. He did say something about passing the torch to a new generation, which we all know is a JFK line. Well, if he came in plagiarizing, might as well go out that way too.

So he's passing the torch, but more like passing the wind. Joe's staying, because although the presidency is in a kingdom, it's about saving democracy. He uttered democracy seven times, and each time it meant less and less. He did to the word democracy what TuPac did to the n-word. But it's just his way of saying Trump is a threat to democracy without being blamed if another nut shoots him. 

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Did you see D.C. yesterday? The party that keeps promising to save democracy sure does love to attack people and vandalize ---- and also not have fair primaries. The party that wants to save democracy pushes illegals to vote, which diminishes yours. It eliminates safe spaces for women, bans gas stoves and one day, cars, and suppresses stories on social media if they hint at dissent. 

Meanwhile, they expand the rights of criminals, which limits your freedoms to live. So Biden all but admits he's too old to run, but not too old to be president. They can't come up with a good excuse for him leaving the race without it, meaning he must resign, but also, he's got too much left to do. Perhaps because he didn't do squat while in office. He even promised to cure cancer by January.

PRESIDENT BIDEN: I will keep fighting for my cancer moonshot so we can end cancer as we know it, because we can do it.

No, no you're not. The only thing he's going to do in the next six months is scrape his dinner plate into his sock drawer and try to turn the TV on by pointing his shoe at it. No, I bet he accidentally votes for Trump. So he mangled the scripted speech, even forgetting what sentences were even about. Like this mulch.

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PRESIDENT BIDEN: And that day I told you as I stood in that... winter... we are stood in a winter of peril and winter of possibilities. Peril and possibilities.

He sounds like a ---- faced weatherman. And and we're supposed to be fine with him continuing to serve as president. He couldn't serve as a coat rack, but still the media fond.

NBC: This was a speech for the history books, just as when LBJ announced he wasn't going to run for reelection in 1968. And we have seen those clips played and replayed throughout time. This is the type of speech that will be replayed for decades to come.

Yeah. Replayed for decades at medical schools to teach students what dementia looks like, continue.

CNN: Yes. The question, does character still matter? Well, it does tonight. It does tonight. The kid with a stutter did good. He did good. That's a good man. He fell on the sword. He fell on his sword.

CNN: This moment puts him, you know, with a bunch of American greats. You know, the sort of George Washington's of the world.

MSNBC: This was selfless on a level I think that's important in a way that we talk about George Washington being selfless.

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No, no, no. The only thing he has in common with George Washington is body temperature. If the media spent any more time on their knees, they'd be stars on Pornhub. What does Doctor Jill think about all this? The one who hid him from the public and the sun. She tweeted: Thank you for the trust you put in Joe. Now it's time to put that trust in Kamala. Then she fled to France to watch the Olympics. Well, she is a fan of the deadlift. So the woman who lied to us about Joe's health wants us to trust the other woman who lied to us about Joe's health. Sorry, I've been lied to by women enough. Not to mention people who told me they were women. But you know what the family did afterward? They all had ice cream, which is what you do after you get your tonsils out. The problem is this tonsil is still there, a lump of tissue that gets easily infected and one you can easily do without.